I am a serious advocate of seeking clarity from a therapist when in a cloud of confusion, despair, and darkness. Whether one-on-one or in groups, or with a psychologist or psychiatrist – such can help you change your thinking and change your life. Sure did mine!
Seeking help from a therapist
In the 1970s, I was an emotional mess. To cope, I smoked. I drank. I was a pothead. I practiced bulimia. I was addicted to a boyfriend who came out of his closet and is now gay. That certainly did nothing for my esteem, I can tell you.
I was in my early 20’s.
My mom was beside herself – not knowing what to do to help me out of my spiraling despair. Then one day, she burst into my bedroom (I was living at home, of course), bright and shiny. “Honey. Why don’t you see Fred?”
Dr. Fred Fenger was the psychologist behind the therapy groups at our church at the time. He was held in high esteem by all who worked with him.
I knew a lot about his work as mom was in one of those therapy groups and shared with me the insights he provided on these slips of paper members got based on their psychology tests.
So, I phoned him and got an appointment. I was surprised at what he actually looked like. A short, rather stout man with a goatee. But I grew to love that sweet man.
The Therapy
I saw him privately weekly, and I also joined in on some of his therapy groups – where I, too, received the slips of paper with insights and tips I still have to this day.
Here are two that were particularly significant:
GUILT FEELINGS ARE RATHER STRONG. YOU TRY TO MAKE SITUATIONS RIGHT. SUPPOSE THINGS DON’T WORK OUT ACCORDING TO YOUR CONCEPTS. IN THAT CASE, YOU TEND TO FEEL THAT YOU ARE A FAILURE RATHER THAN FACE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVEN’T DEALT WITH THE SITUATION QUITE REALISTICALLY ENOUGH.
I had a hard time understanding this running theme in my slips of paper. Until I got this one, which was a game-changer for me:
YOU DEMAND LEVELS OF PERFECTION OF YOURSELF THAT ARE QUITE UNREASONABLE. YOU SEE YOURSELF AS NOT FUNCTIONING WHEN ACTUALLY YOU FUNCTION QUITE WELL MOST OF THE TIME.
That is when I began to view my life, myself, and my situations more objectively and positively.
I spent close to ten years with Dr. Fred. In those years I gained stability, especially wisdom when it came to relationships – most notably my relationship with myself. His insight about infatuations was a game-changer! I’ll write a post about that in May, I promise!
I stopped seeing Fred about 1983. I later learned that he had passed due to an illness in 1985.
Dr. Fred was a significant mentor in my life. I shudder to think what I would have done if I did not have him to visit every week.
In conclusion
I have been in and out of therapy several times. Thanks to one therapist in the 1990s, I recognized the severity of my hearing loss, which eventually led to my book and TEDx talk about that. If you struggle with life issues and feel hopeless about resolutions, try seeking clarity from a therapist. It can be the beginning of a new way of thinking. A new way of life.
