One of the greatest gifts I received from my husband is being selfish. I learned what unconditional love means. I learned independent happiness.
Refusing to be manipulated
Because my boyfriend (now husband) was “selfish”, we had a rough going at the beginning of our relationship. Real rough. I nearly ended our relationship probably a half dozen times in five years.
Why?
Like many, up until early adulthood, if I didn’t get what I wanted, I would manipulate with anger or guilt. Especially guilt. “Don’t be selfish!” I’d whine. I learned this behavior from my parents. Like many parents, they gave into my tactics, reinforcing my behavior, rather than practicing unconditional love by refusing to do what I want so I could be happy and loving me despite my unpleasant reaction.
When someone says, “Don’t be selfish.” what they are saying is, “Satisfy my selfish intent, not your own.” Others do that because they want to be happy – and would be so if you did what they need you to do to make them happy.
My now-husband, for the most part, refused to be manipulated. He held his ground. I could trash and crash all around him, trying to get him to do what I want so I could be happy. He wouldn’t budge. Friends and family christened him the selfish one. In actuality, I was the selfish one.
His refusal to be manipulated opened the door to discovering how to be happy on my own. I became, and am, emotionally independent from needing others to do what I want them to do to be happy.
Yes, sometimes I still get angry, but I don’t insist. Instead, I let the emotional rampage run it’s course, find a distraction, and get back on my feet emotionally.
Practicing selfishness
Is it okay to be selfish? If someone asks you to do something you do not want to do so they can be happy, hold your ground. They won’t like it at first. They REALLY won’t like it at first. But eventually, they will either find others to manipulate or, better yet, become emotionally independent.
Then there is the flip side of this. Giving in to others. As a member of a non-profit organization, I often did tasks I didn’t want to do. I did that because I liked being liked. It would not be too long, though, before I resent the person who asked me in the first place.
That all ended in 2015, after surviving breast cancer. The full gamut cancer. Mastectomy, chemo for five months, and radiation for two months. It wasn’t until that dramatic health challenge that I promised myself I would not do things I don’t want to do to please others or be liked.
Today, Halloween 2020, I’ve done a pretty good job at that. And the surprise is, people still like me!
I believe it is selfish to give in to others’ manipulation through anger or guilt just because YOU dont’ want to deal with the emotional after mass. You don’t offer the chance to discover their resources. Most importantly, they don’t receive the opportunity to develop emotional independence – being happy independently.
Is it okay to be selfish?
I believe it is selfish to give in to others’ manipulation through anger or guilt just because YOU don’t’ want to deal with the emotional after mass. When you cave in, you don’t offer others the chance to discover their resources. Most importantly, they don’t receive the opportunity to develop emotional independence – being happy independently.
It is not selfish to put yourself and your well-being first. It is not selfish to refuse manipulation. It is a gift you give when you practice unconditional love. Loving others even while they have a meltdown when you say no. Loving yourself by not taking on tasks or activities that keep you from doing what you really want.
In conclusion, the most beautiful skill you can help yourself and others to learn is unconditional love, unconditional happiness, and emotional independence. That is by practicing selfishness.
