Low self esteem is the root cause of more issues than most realize, from addictions to failure.
Low self-esteem stems from the perception that we are not good enough, smart enough, or worthy enough to have or be or do what we wish.
From Wikipedia:
Self-esteem is an individual’s subjective evaluation of their own worth. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs about oneself (for example, “I am unloved”, “I am worthy”) as well as emotional states, such as triumph, despair, pride, and shame.
-Wikipedia
You are not alone
Google the words “self esteem” to see how many people around the world are searching self-esteem. As of January, 2021:
88,400,000
WOW!!!!!
Any question why I included a chapter on this in my book?
People pleasing
If, at any time, you have felt feelings of unworthiness, know that that is not who you are. In reality, low self-esteem is a false perception created as a result of our conditioning and upbringing. As children, it is common for us to learn what’s “right” and “wrong” by the acceptance and approval or rejection and chastising by those around us (parents, grandparents, friends, etc.). Ultimately, it is about being conditioned to act or behave in a way that pleases those in authority. When we behave “properly,” we are accepted – when we behave “badly,” we are experience rejection.
If everyone had the same expectations, it wouldn’t be that difficult for us to figure out the game rules. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same expectations. We can’t keep up with the demands of the ever-shifting expectations that change day to day, person to person. It’s only a matter of time before we disappoint someone and get labeled stupid, incompetent, inadequate.
We often sacrifice our inherent greatness and gifts and, instead, do things we believe will win the approval and applause of others. We are all way too familiar with the sad endings of stars who possessed the world’s accolades yet took their own lives due to their lack of self-esteem.
My Self esteem journey
As late as the 1990s, I was still pretty much in denial about the extent of my hearing disability. I simply was unwilling to face it, embrace it, and work with what I have and what I am. And why would I? I already had a low opinion of myself – and embracing my disability would only exaggerate my feelings of unworthiness.
So instead of fixing the problem, I chose to ignore it. I took on challenges that I had no business taking on, resulting in a painful failure in my career. I was determined to prove myself, but I was MISERABLE. I put myself in a very challenging and uncomfortable situation, and once I was in it, I couldn’t find a way to feel good about it. I took whatever opportunity I could to escape from the pressure, and as a result, I was absent a lot.
When that ill-fated reorganization happened, and I failed miserably as a team leader, seeking employment while my self-esteem was at an all-time low was not an option. So, I opted to take a considerable demotion in position and pay while I sought a therapist’s help to restore my self-esteem and confidence.
What I learned
Of course, seeing the situation through the eyes of truth much later, I understand that it wasn’t my disability that hurt my performance; it was me trying to be “normal” that did. It took an incredibly patient-therapist to convince me of that fact. Still, when she finally did, the first triumphant step I took was to change my voice mail. “Please speak slowly and enunciate numbers. You are leaving a message for a hearing-impaired person.” From that point on, my life’s focus shifted from proving myself to approving and accepting myself before all else.
Finding and expressing my innate gifts and talents is the most critical factor in improving my self-esteem and ultimately experiencing happiness.
Build your Self-Esteem
Discovering your true self – your gifts and talents
At first, it can be quite challenging to discover our innate gifts and talents. Mike Dooley of NOTES FROM THE UNIVERSE offers this guidance:
“All the answers you seek lie within. Daily, in moments of quiet, ask yourself for the direction you seek and look for the answers in your feelings and intuitions. Feel with your heart and your mind the “right way” will always feel good and make sense. Your mission in life – your purpose- is simply to be –to be yourself. And the only way you can be yourself is to begin listening to yourself – to your desire and dream as, and to your heavenly inspired feelings.”
I followed this advice when faced with two difficult decisions. One was accepting a job at UCLA that perpetuated my journey on a path that didn’t capitalize on my gifts and talents. The other was taking a demotion and cut in pay. The latter is what my feelings inspired me to do. It counts as one of the wisest decisions I ever made. It gave me the space to ultimately build self esteem.
What do you admire in others?
In her book Mastering Life’s Energies, Maria Nemeth teaches that an excellent way to uncover your gifts, talents, and attributes is to note what you admire in others. What you admire in others is a reflection of who you really are.
Becoming a speaker
As far back as I can remember, I’ve always admired those who could inspire and motivate through speeches—individuals like Dr. Robert Schuller, President Kennedy, and Dr. Martin Luther King, among many others. When I attended my first Toastmasters meeting (Toastmasters is a worldwide nonprofit organization dedicated to the mission of “making effective communication a worldwide reality”), I nearly hyperventilated being surrounded by so many good speakers.
Little did I know that the deep admiration and inspiration I felt were clear indicators of what destiny held for me. That is, to become an inspirational and motivational speaker. My greatest feat was invited to be a TEDx speaker!
Becoming a trainer
Another example of deep admiration that, in retrospect, was an indication of my gifts and talents (so I am told) is in the area of developing and delivering training. When I first joined UCLA as a research administrator in 1980, I was required to take a certificate course in research administration. Two gentlemen primarily taught the classes: the then Assistant Director of Contract and Grant Administration and the late then Director of Accounting). Research administration, in and of itself, is a pretty dry topic. It is learning about and navigating through the miles of red tape surrounding federal regulations governing research monies. But Dick and Ted were almost like a comedy team. They were SO engaging and so funny that I desired more than anything else to be able to do what they were doing.
Fast forward 20 years. Within a couple of years of taking that demotion, I not only became the Training Coordinator for the Office of Research Administration and reinstating the very training that Dick and Ted taught but bringing to it similar attributes. Here is what one enthusiastic student had to say about one of the courses I facilitated the trainers in delivering:
“Linnaea has that rare combination of intelligence, charm, and the ability to be an extremely effective master of ceremonies in a training course with subject matter that puts most people instantly to sleep. She does this by intuitively moderating the various speakers and acting as “the voice” of the trainees by interjecting the questions that we are all thinking but not brave enough to ask! This natural ability to keep the subject matter dynamic and stimulating (instead of hearing a string of consecutive lectures by different speakers) made all the difference. Her innate people skills also helped break the ice and make it safe for all of us to interact – which is the key to successful learning. Thank you, Linnaea!”
-Cyndia Soloway
To this day, this feedback still gives me gave me goosebumps – as it is precisely how I felt about the training delivered by those two trainers 20 years earlier.
Watch for the clues to your talents to build your self-esteem
So, to discover your authentic gifts and talents, watch for clues. The clues are often those things that cause you to feel enthusiasm and joy. What causes admiration to well up inside of you? Trust me; life will create opportunities to show you what and how to express your gifts. However, you must pay attention to your feelings.
The following passage by James Herriot illustrates this beautifully. His series of books chronicle his life as an English countryside veterinarian. This passage is from the part of the story where James seeks the assistance of a well-to-do small animal specialist…
“As I watched him working under the shadowless lamp with the white tiled walls around him and the rows of instruments gleaming by his side, it came to me with a rush of mixed emotions that this is what I had always wanted to do myself…
Yet here I was a somewhat scrubby cow-doctor, the scene before me was a far cry from my routine of kicks buckets of muck and sweat, but I had no regrets. The life that had been forced on me by circumstances had turned out to be a thing of magical fulfillment. It came to me with sudden certainty that I would rather spend my days driving over the unfenced roads of the high-country that scooping over that operating table.
I couldn’t have been abetted. I couldn’t have mastered his technique. And his whole set up was eloquent with a lot of things like business sense, foresight, and a driving ambition, which I just didn’t possess.”
James Heriot
It was only after Mr. Herriot embraced his authentic self that he discovered his strengths in contributing to the well being of countless farm animals in England. (Not to mention his gift of storytelling – stories that are so delightful they squeeze the heart with tenderness.)
Steps to Build your Self-Esteem
1) Sit quietly and ask your heart to reveal what your gift is. Listen to or feel for answers.
2) Write a list of what you’re good at doing. If you don’t know, ask friends and family. Many are quick to say they are not good at anything; but everybody is good at something. One of the things I do exceptionally well, I’m told, is listening.
3. Make a list of what comes easy to you. That is often an indication of your gifts and talents.
4. Make a list of qualities or talents you admire in others. They often point to those same qualities and talents dormant within you.
Build your self-esteem and let your light shine
Low self-esteem is not a reflection of a lack of gift, talent, or significance you may not possess. It’s quite the opposite. Never at any time did your Creator overlook or forgot to bestow upon you great gifts. Each of us inherently carries unique gifts that provide a financial basis from which to live and the opportunity to contribute to others’ well-being. It is worth the effort to build your self esteem.
