As promised, here is what I learned about infatuation from my long-time therapist Dr. Fred Fenger, as shared in my previous post.
Since I was five years old, I have sought romantic love and infatuation. It began with the boy who lived across the street. However, my quest was an addiction. This post is not about being addicted to love and infatuation. Instead, it is about understanding the overwhelming “this will last forever” feeling felt in the beginning stages of a new relationship.
Real relationships versus infatuations
People often refer to love as the emotion one feels during the infatuation period of a new romantic relationship. An infatuation can last up to two years. Sometimes three.
You fall “in love” in exact proportion to how little you know about a person.
During the infatuation period, you might be blind to aspects of the other person or the relationship that will not work long term. The tragedy is that people fall into infatuation, get married, buy a house, and have a kid. Then, two to three years later, they wake up one morning and ask, “Who are you?” Just think of all the celebrities who ended relationships after two-three years!
The other tragedy is that once an infatuation wears off, mistaking THAT to mean the relationship isn’t worthwhile! I nearly made that mistake with the man I have now been married to for 30 years! I almost ended the relationship two years into it when it stopped being so “magical.” Thankfully, I remembered this wisdom bestowed upon me by Dr. Fred. I promised to give it more time. Best decision I have ever made.
The Recommendation
I understand the following recommendation may be against one’s beliefs or culture. It may even fly in the face of what you yourself have experienced (lucky you!) I am just sharing what I believe is good practice; trying on the shoes before buying them.
If given the opportunity, this is what I suggest to newly, madly in love couples who have just met and hardly know one another:
1) Do not live together until you’ve known each other for a year.
2) Do not get married until you’ve lived together for a year.
I know it’s hard because romantic love and infatuation feel incredibly fantastic and permanent. It isn’t. Give yourself and your partner two years before making any serious plans. Alternatively, if things are too intense, take a two-week trip together, preferably to another country. That’s a shortcut that often shortens the infatuation period.
In conclusion:
To avoid the mistakes of the rich and famous (and the not-so-rich and famous), and if humanly possible, wait two years before making life-changing and possibly life-long decisions with another person. Then, once the romantic love and infatuation wear off, you are more grounded in reality. As a result, you can make better thought-out, intelligent decisions.
Real love is a much deeper emotion that far outlives the infatuation period. With genuine love, you have a better chance of experiencing a long-term, satisfying relationship
